The Day the Silence Got So Loud

Ever wondered how one woman can go from making rum from scratch and then retrain as a life coach? Well lean closer dear friend and I’ll tell you. I’ve never had a true calling or a really passionate purpose, I’ve always just liked to live my life. I’ve never had any sort of idea about what I want to do with my life, I just know how I want to feel along the way. This is something that came up with one of my clients recently actually- she had this subconscious assumption that she should have passions and if she didn’t have passions, there must be something wrong with her. Social media is so loud about having big flouncy heartfelt passions and being obsessed with a sport or an activity but for a lot of us, its just not like that. I just want to have a good time, alternate between exciting and comforting depending on where I am in my cycle and try new things. Something I do love is learning and discovering new ideas/ approaches etc- that for me is interesting but it doesn’t help when someone asks what my hobbies are or what I like to do for fun. Am I allowed to say, “I like to live my life?!?” Think I’d sound like a bit of a nobber.

Anyway, back to the rum. During lockdown my husband lost his job as a pilot – like so many others- and I was a stay at home mum to two delicious, incredibly boisterous babies, shit hit the fan really fast. We needed an income urgently and there is nothing like pure panic to inspire you to get stuff done. We set up Old Mother Hunt, our very own micro rum distillery and made our rum from scratch. And guess what, I bloody loved it. After the initial panic had subsided, I absolutely thrived on the diversity of the business. I loved the fact that before, every day had been very much the same- there’s not a huge amount of variety in days when you’ve got a 2 and 3 year old to entertain. Although don’t get me wrong, I 100% chose to be a SAHM and would do it all over again, you can’t deny that there’s very little mental stimulation in those early days. I suddenly felt like my life had possibilities again, that the future wasn’t mapped out already and that maybe, just maybe, I could have found a career that I loved?? The cherry on the top of it all was that my Dad was properly, all consumingly proud of me. He has always been proud of me but for the very first I think he was proud of me in a way he truly understood. He had always been a businessman and I very much was not (think the family fuck up vibe) and here I was, launching my very own business. He was my biggest cheerleader, he even printed out his own advertising business cards to hand out to everyone he met on dog walks. My heart breaks writing this as he died 3 years ago and I never really got to tell him how much of a difference he made. How it was his passion and sheer belief that got me through the impossible days. That it was his advice I sought out first, how he was always right- even though that annoyed the hell out of me! That even though I know I could’ve done it without him, it would be been 100 times harder and 1000 less enjoyable.

Shortly after Dad died, we had to close the distillery (boring government legislation favouring big guns), Matt started a new job and I was back to nothing. My mental health tanked, went to therapy and sorted it but in it all I realised that I had no idea what I wanted or who I was. I had been hiding behind raising the kids, being busy with the distillery and suddenly the silence was so loud. I have never felt so alone or desperate and it took me a good 6 months to level out (barely) and start to think about the next step. I retrained as a life coach because I knew first hand the importance of figuring your shit out and knowing who you are. I loved therapy and it saved my life but I knew that the next part of my life needed to look forwards, not back. And what better way to do that than to train as a coach and help others walk the exact same path? I’m not talking to you as a fully healed, perfect untouchable coach. I’m talking to you as someone who is doing the work alongside you. Who is so invested in healing and moving forward that my whole heart goes into it- I understand exactly what you are talking about and I also know that you are capable of choosing yourself and your next steps. And I know, because I am living proof that choosing yourself changes everything.