I Never Actually Chose Myself. Until Now.

I’m 36, been married for 11 years, a mum for 11 years (shotgun wedding!!) and completely lost my identity along the way. Do you know what though, as I write that, I realise that I never really had an identity before becoming a mum. Not a cemented idea of who I was- I obviously used to know what I liked to do etc but I never really figured out who I was. I was always willing to try everything and anything- I think I always borrowed parts of other people’s identities and tried them on as my own, enjoying the excitement of new possibilities and the distraction rather than listening to what was actually happening underneath. When I became a mum at 25, I was just starting to find what worked for me and that all got shot to smithereens by the arrival of our incredibly feisty daughter. Matt went back to work when she was 5 days old (I remember vividly crying at the reality of looking after our beautiful little alien all by myself- I still felt like half a child!). I lost all interest in figuring out who I was- I was so excited when I was pregnant and I absolutely threw myself into being her mum. I wanted so badly to be the mum to here that I never had and in doing that I lost myself in the process. Now that I’ve started working through all this shit jumbled up in my head, I know that that isn’t a failure- it’s an extraordinary act of love that came at a very high cost. And I’d do it all over again. Ha, in fact I did when my gorgeous little boy was born less than 2 years later. 

The early years with the babes were so busy, Matt was always working and we were our own little team always out on adventures/ hiding inside when they were too cross/ tearful to make going anywhere worth it. It flew by (in hindsight- I distinctly remember thinking this will never end when I was in the thick of it) and I never once considered who I was or what I wanted to do with my life- it just wasn’t an option. With no family to help and Matt working random days, childcare was extortionate. Although if I’m entirely honest with you, and myself, I used that as a bit of an excuse. My mum wasn’t always around when I was growing up and I desperately wanted to give the kids that constant that I had craved. I was healing that grieving little girl inside me whilst figuring out how to parent my two wildlings and not lose my shit constantly. It was harder than I thought it would be (I 100% blame Disney) and it took and gave me more than I ever thought was possible. 

Fast forward to now and as I’m sitting here learning everything I can about identity work and self abandonment off the back of the life coaching diploma I did last year, it hit me like a sack of potatoes that I have never properly, honestly chosen myself. I am fiercely independent (good old hyper independence, lack of trust wounds), wildly capable and strongly believe that I can do pretty much anything I choose to commit to and yet I don’t choose myself in the smallest ways every day. I wanted to change my hair colour as I felt old and shit so instead of figuring out what I liked, I asked chatgpt what would make me look the best and just accepted that! And guess what- I hate it! I don’t even know if I can properly hear my own voice anymore- it’s been sacrificed for so many years I think it might have just given up and gone on strike. 

That, in a wordy nutshell, is the crux of my new venture. Figuring my shit out along the way- choosing myself every single day in little, achievable ways and teaching others to do it too. For so long our society has rewarded quietness, amenability, lack of voice from women, in particular mums, and its absolute bullshit. I do not want my daughter or son to grow up seeing me sacrifice my unique voice for everyone else’s convenience. I would sob if I saw them behave that way so I am turning that same love on myself. No more apathy, no more blind agreeability (not intending to be a dick by the way). Just raw, honest truths. At least once every day- I’m not naïve enough to think 36 years of behaving one way can be completely changed overnight.